It took a lot of thinking, paying attention to "signs," and just feeling what was the right decision.
It was a difficult because I was in a situation that I don't think there ever could be a right or wrong decision. It was basically a matter of whatever I want to do. I am feeling strange now, sort scared and nervous. I always imagine when you make the "right" decision, everything will settle, especially the butterflies in the stomach. But that's not what I am feeling right now. I am feeling anxious. I hope this goes away because one of the major indicators in this decision was whatever I was going to imagine as a bigger distraction should be the life I grab. If I was going to go home and wonder what it would have been like...all lingering thoughts and doubts...I wouldn't be able to live my life fully at home. But if I decided to stay, and all I could think about was what I am missing out at CU, then I should go.
I had A LOT of lingering thoughts about Buenos Aires.
There were things I felt like I didn't achieve and I simply felt like the story wasn't over. The truth is, it takes nearly an entire semester to get used to a place. That's not really an exaggeration. Especially, if you've never spent more than month away from home or family. I didn't have severe bouts of homesickness because I always felt very connected plus I was lucky to have two visits from family members.
(Which by the way, the trip with Robert and Mom was great, we kept ourselves very busy, so I haven't had a chance to write a ton about it, but I saw another, sort of luxurious side to the city that I wasn't entirely familiar with, and that was great).
But dealing with being away for so long sort of manifested itself in being more reserved than I would have liked, being really sucked into my computer and internet communication, and sort of shutting people out and disappearing into a weird nothingness space.
But my relationship with Ines has taken off and I finally feel sufficiently comfortable in the city. I feel like I'm on track to developing some long lasting relationships that will make the next semester all the richer. I feel like I have only tipped the iceberg on the culture. And now that I feel more or less
'at home,' I can do some cultural explorations that before weren't really available before.
I think I mentioned this in an earlier blog, but the advice to stay abroad a year always stuck with me even though I thought it wasn't feasible. Now, I realize it is, just a matter of making sacrifices and a decision.
But it's not even that big of a decision. In the grand scheme, I'm going to look back with fondness, but it's only a few months of my life. I'm not moving to Buenos Aires forever, I'm not dropping out of college and dedicating my life to tango. No, I'm spending a few more months improving my spanish (which, I have to admit, is not as far along as I hoped---another big reason another semester will serve me well) and digging deeper into a new culture. The first semester was also very much a comparison to life in the States. "Hmmm, it's interesting how they do this, that, and the other thing differently..." But now it's more about Buenos Aires and Argentina for their own sake. I want to appreciate them for what they are on their own, not for why they are different than home.
When I get home, my friends and family and relationships will be intact. My professional opportunities will still be around. Boulder probably still won't have experienced the 100 year flood, and I will be able to enjoy the city even more. I have spent my whole life there!! 10 months away is probably the best thing I can do to make the most of my last semesters.
And I have a mountain of cafes to still explore, chill in, and sip a café con leche....
This semester is going to be lived with great intention and I am going to make it a worthwhile decision, you can count on that!!!!!!!!
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